The desert section of the Pacific Crest Trail has provided so much more to us hikers this season than average. The temperatures have been comfortable the majority of the days and there has been water available in most places. In addition, the landscape has been ever changing and there is always something new every single day. However, I’m officially tired of the desert. I just want to be in the next section of the trail: the Sierra’s! Patience has always been one of my strong points though, so I can wait another week or so. It’s strange to think I will have completed 700 miles of trail in just a month and change.

Yesterday though, was one of those days where I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was. The weather was in the 90’s by 8 am for the second day in a row, and the desert heat was just miserable. There wasn’t even the slightest bit of shade in sight for miles. In addition, my feet were sore from walking on the flat 17 mile LA aquaduct. I had started my day at 5 am and was 11 miles in by 9 am when everything changed.

The trail was still basically a straight line for miles but it was slightly going uphill every single step. I felt nauseous. I had eaten a solid oatmeal portion for breakfast and even received 2 hard boiled eggs from a trail angel so I knew it wasn’t hunger. In addition, I had closely been monitoring my water intake and made sure to consume a Nuun electrolyte tablet to supplement as needed. Step after step, I just struggled to bring my mind to an enjoyable state. I reached into my snack pocket and pulled out a sour gummy bear. I sucked on it for a very long time trying to pass the time. The sun was so scortching and the windmills of the wind farm were not even moving.

Ten minutes later, the trail began to wind around a mountain and I got so excited that it had character again, that I increased my pace up to the top. I was dripping with sweat even on my forearms where I never perspire much. I was breathing at an exercise rate but was feeling strong. I reached the top and instantly a ringing of sirens began in my right ear. My vision started to blur. Without a doubt, I assumed I was about to pass out. I instantly sat down and took my pulse. It was elevated. I sipped my water for a few minutes and my vision and pulse returned to normal. However, the sirens in my ear were still there. I stood up and took a couple steps. I took my pulse again and it was normal. I felt good enough to continue slow and steady for the last mile to the next water source. Twenty minutes later, I arrived to the stream with a huge shade tree where I instantly took of my sweaty clothes and rinsed off to cool myself down. An afternoon siesta was the only option before continuing on.

In this situation, my body was at its maximum so I couldn’t shed a tear even if I wanted to. I certainly scared myself and was even more done with the desert mentally. I’m so very fortunate that the desert hasn’t been roasting me daily and as I punch out the remaining miles of the desert I will be grateful that I know what the warning signs of my body’s limit are.

Have you ever had a moment in time where you are experiencing multiple emotions at the same time?

We woke up at 3am and sunrise summited San Jacinto on the frozen patches of snow. Just when we reached the summit, the sun crept over the mountains and we were overflowing with joy! It felt surreal that our timing was so perfect. In addition, a non-PCT hiker was on the summit and provided chips and guacamole to us. At that point, every single one of us had reached our all time high on the trail. Bliss.

But every trail that goes up, also comes down, which meant we had to go down the icy snow patches on the north side of the mountain. All of the 4 guys were just cruising down in the snow, and then there was me slowly making my way down. One guy from Germany known as the Energizer, whom I’ve been hiking with since mile 100, stayed back from time to time to make sure I was surviving my way down. I had fallen already a couple of times, but it was fun.

Every time I would catch up to where the Energizer was waiting for me, looking back at me with a huge smile on his face, I would smile real big back and we’d keep progressing. At one point, the slope got too steep and my confidence was fading. I couldn’t take another step. My legs were trembling in fear. My eyes connected with the Energizer’s and I was laughing at his huge smile. He offered me some advice and I moved my right foot forward an inch and was panicking. He began laughing. I continued to laugh at the same time I was panicking and after another minute, tears were trickling down my cold cheeks.

I was literally laughing, crying, full of fear, and full of joy all at the same time. The Energizer came up to me still laughing, and he told me to follow his steps. Just three steps later, I had my total confidence back and the tears were gone. The high from the summit returned as the day went on.

It’s really crazy how I literally met the Energizer only 8 days before, and there we were putting full trust in one another and looking out for each other’s safety. The PCT is truly an experience that forces one to gain trust in one another rather quickly to overcome the daily unforseen obstacles. On that day, I was so grateful for the Energizer! He kept my energy alive!

For all the the eagles that you didn’t see because you never came to visit me. Time and time again, you have filled me with such anger and disappointment. However, you never get to see the tears that I cry. I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl, but I’m not sure what I am anymore. I asked you to visit me in Oregon to go snowshoeing on the snow covered mountains that you dream of seeing, but your new/old girlfriend said it would be too cold there and convinced you otherwise.

I asked you to come and kayak with me up in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin only 30 minutes from Green Bay which you visit every single year, and guess what? You didn’t make it because you didn’t have the money and needed to get the driveway paved? But wait, just a couple months later on one of my last fire assignments of the season that same year, I received a text message from you of an engagement ring that you put onto your ex-fiance’s finger yet again. Yeah Dad, I guess you just didn’t have the money to visit me. Do you remember my response to you? I told you I hoped your relationship with that woman has the same result that it did 29 years ago: when you ended it with her to be with my mother. I cried myself to sleep that night. Was I not important enough to you for you to call me and tell me you were going to propose? Did you really think a text message of a ring was the best way to notify me?

Eventually I set up a trip for us four children and you, Dad, to Acadia National Park. The rules were that nobody was allowed to bring any significant others that were not married into the family. Unfortunately 2 of the 4 children couldn’t attend, but you had 2 of us all to yourself for the weekend. There we were right in front of you and you were going stir crazy because you were out of phone service for a couple of hours and couldn’t send any of your scenic photos to your fiance. Also at night when we were hanging around the campfire, you had to video call with your granddaughter twins instead of spending quality time with your 2 children you don’t get to see but maybe a couple times of the year. I remember your response to us that night when we asked you about it,”When you have grandchildren you will understand.” Do grandchildren just replace your own children? You left at least one of us yet again, disappointed in you.

Dad, When is the last time you truly put 100% of your focus on your child when they are sitting right in front of you? How much do you truly know about any of our lives? How many times have one of the 4 of us asked you to spend time with us and you opted to go spend time with your fiance’s family members or decided to spend the money on something like yardwork instead? What does family really mean to you, Mr. Family man?

Well today is the last time I let it bother me. Today at Eagle Rock I released it all and am ready to attempt to see you for who you are and accept that I am happy regardless of if you choose to make the effort to come visit me or not. Here’s to the last of tears from your actions. So this one’s for you, Dad.

Listen to this!

Part of the thrill of a big trip is the researching and imagining of the trip itself. In preparation for my thru-hike, I read previous thru-hikers suggested gear lists. It rings true, every single hiker carries their own selection of gear and what they think will work for them. For myself, I only bought what I didn’t have already.

In addition to obtaining my gear, I also attempted to gain some bonus body weight to start the trail with so I didn’t become a weighed down skeleton. Unfortunately, the more I attempted, the more weight I seemed to loose. I ate ice cream in between meals and right before bed, I bought pastries, and I even would often consume an additional plate of food at dinner. I didn’t restrict myself. However, I learned that it is actually really difficult for me to alter my diet and consume endless amounts of sugar and unhealthy fats. As a result, my weight gaining attempt was certainly poor at best.

I’m not all about the numbers, but I know some of you are, so here they are:

Pack base weight: 23lbs

Pack with 5L of water and 5 days of food: 41lbs

My trail starting body weight: 126.7 lbs

The amount of food and water is going to fluctuate as I figure out just how much I need and conquer my fear of running out of water or food. I’m happy with a base weight of 23lbs. It’s certainly not ultralight by any means, but I’m a rookie and I’ll learn what I really need to carry soon enough.

In the meantime, check out What’s in my Backpack?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_2Sit606MM&feature=youtu.be

             Throughout my entire life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like I was an outsider peering into my whole family. Growing up, I found myself just sitting in silence at family functions just observing the interactions of the family members in the room. I often felt like a waste of space and as I grew older I wondered if I would ever find a way to connect deeply with any of them.  How would I even begin? What questions should I even ask them? Am I so very different from them? I was bored of every single one of them and disappointed in their self projections on their surfaces.  Every single time I would attend a family function, it appeared to me that everyone had gained more weight and/or had something new to complain about to seek sympathy from the family and draw attention to themselves.  Is everyone that self-centered? Is life really just one huge struggle? Is suffering through life inevitable?

            Just over a year ago, I decided to adopt “Love without borders” in an attempt to find a way to truly LOVE the family from which I came from.  I’ll admit that I am still a ways off from believing I have been able to achieve true love of them; however, I do believe that every visit brings me closer to understanding them. Although, to me, it still appears that every single one of them is constantly in a state of personal suffering, I try to chime in where I can to alleviate any of that suffering, even if only for a mere fraction of a second. The truth is that I do care, however I just cannot visualize being physically present in their lives without suffering myself.

             I firmly believe that we have total control over the lives that we choose for ourselves. It’s the decisions that we make that take our life in whatever direction we want. I find myself happiest when I am leading myself into the unknown which eliminates the routine that drags life through a series of played out predictability. The unknown challenges us to overcome unforeseen obstacles, and solve problems as they arise. The unknown is where the real adventure begins.  Does this lifestyle that I choose for myself give off the same self projections that I saw in my family? Am I self-centered? Is my life just one huge struggle of running away from the realities or delusions of my own family members? Or am I simply just contributing to the suffering of my family members by continuously living my dreams and fulfilling my life with happiness?

               Just a few days ago I returned from visiting my family that lives in Ohio, and the internal struggle of understanding my family continues. During the final evening, I experienced the first of my trail spiced teardrops.  After a misunderstanding with my mother, we departed our ways without saying goodbye and giving each other hugs.  But the truth is, the words she spoke to me that night rung louder than any meaning from a motherly hug she could have shared with her daughter who is leaving to embark on a Thru-hike of the Pacific Crest Trail.  I was at my father’s house for my final evening and after a couple of exchanges here is what she said, ““I’ll be with you in your heart every step of the way and when your weakest or greatest happens, I’ll be there pushing you along. You know that. You never need to feel that you have to choose one over the other with me. I get it. You are part of both of us and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just wish I could’ve given you a hug before you left. I’m so proud of the woman you are. I’m not loosing sleep over it, just wish I’d have played it differently.”

                I may not understand my emotions that shine in regards to my family, but I invite you to take this journey with me as I attempt to hike all 2,660 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail for the first time.